Heavy on my heart


There are so many things weighing on my mind lately. So many things that I want to do yet don’t and so many things that I do yet I don’t want to do them.

For instance, I qualify for a full pell grant. I can go to college for free yet I don’t know what I want to do. I really love birth yet I feel like becoming a midwife is just too much responsibility for me. Maybe I could become a nurse. But I’m too squeamish. Or maybe a teacher. But I don’t want to deal with the public school system. Maybe an accountant. But that’s boring. I really just don’t know. And I’m not sure what I’m good at. I was a preschool teacher for 5 years. I enjoyed that. And I was a nanny for 2 years. It was fun. Other than that I have no idea. When I was a child I dreamed of becoming an opera singer. When I was in high school I dreamed of becoming a karate instructor. And when I was 19 I dreamed of becoming a ESL teacher. Now that I’ve had a baby. I’ve become obsessed with birth and breastfeeding. But I do t know where to start if I went that route.

As for the things that I do but I don’t want to do. I play video games. Yet I don’t want to. It’s such a waste of time. I pay way too much attention to my phone and social media. I watch too much tv. I secretly eat ice cream even though. I know I need to just throw it out.

I feel like I have no self control. And I hate it. I dislike the way I am. Yet have no idea how to change.

I want to read my bible. Drink enough water. Stick to my diet ( not a weight loss diet a dairy free diet) brush my teeth twice a day. Keep my house spotless. Spend more time paying attention to Samuel. Tend a garden. Raise chickens. Juice regularly. Pray consistently. Stay calm during stressful situations. Have good posture. Exercise.

So many things I want to do yet I don’t do them. Sure I preach a healthy life style but why is it so hard to maintain. Why am I so lazy. Why am I so detached from life. I’m in desperate need of focus and willpower.

How does one achieve control of oneself and their emotions. I find my self getting annoyed with Samuel when he cries a lot. He is a baby and it is normal for him to cry. Why to I get short with him. What the hell is wrong with me?!

I guess I am at a major crossroads. One where I must leave behind my childish ways and become a woman. I thought having a baby would magically transform me. But it didn’t. I am still the same me. Still the same person with so much internal damage. I want to become more than I am.

5 responses »

  1. Wow, I love to read honesty from other bloggers, and I can so relate. I adored children growing up and then when I had my own I found well…it wasn’t so great! Especially with a colicky baby! Children tend to bring out your best- and worst qualities. I realized how little patience I had, how easily angered I got with her, how distracted I had become (and still are sometimes). Being intentional and loving and patient are supernatural qualities for sure! In my worst moments, my lowest postpartum moments, all I could do sometimes was give up (and cry) and cry out to Jesus. He knows and He sees. He’s ready to transform. But only He can do it! I’m sure we know by now that our willpower takes us only so far! Hang in there, you will learn so much from being a mama!

  2. Maybe look into becoming a doula!! If I had to choose a career at this point, that might be what I pursued (even though I have most of the schooling to be a teacher, lol!)

    As for the self control and will power, all we can do is try our best! I’m certain you’re doing great, just by mere virtue of the fact that you even care 🙂

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