There are so many things weighing on my mind lately. So many things that I want to do yet don’t and so many things that I do yet I don’t want to do them.
For instance, I qualify for a full pell grant. I can go to college for free yet I don’t know what I want to do. I really love birth yet I feel like becoming a midwife is just too much responsibility for me. Maybe I could become a nurse. But I’m too squeamish. Or maybe a teacher. But I don’t want to deal with the public school system. Maybe an accountant. But that’s boring. I really just don’t know. And I’m not sure what I’m good at. I was a preschool teacher for 5 years. I enjoyed that. And I was a nanny for 2 years. It was fun. Other than that I have no idea. When I was a child I dreamed of becoming an opera singer. When I was in high school I dreamed of becoming a karate instructor. And when I was 19 I dreamed of becoming a ESL teacher. Now that I’ve had a baby. I’ve become obsessed with birth and breastfeeding. But I do t know where to start if I went that route.
As for the things that I do but I don’t want to do. I play video games. Yet I don’t want to. It’s such a waste of time. I pay way too much attention to my phone and social media. I watch too much tv. I secretly eat ice cream even though. I know I need to just throw it out.
I feel like I have no self control. And I hate it. I dislike the way I am. Yet have no idea how to change.
I want to read my bible. Drink enough water. Stick to my diet ( not a weight loss diet a dairy free diet) brush my teeth twice a day. Keep my house spotless. Spend more time paying attention to Samuel. Tend a garden. Raise chickens. Juice regularly. Pray consistently. Stay calm during stressful situations. Have good posture. Exercise.
So many things I want to do yet I don’t do them. Sure I preach a healthy life style but why is it so hard to maintain. Why am I so lazy. Why am I so detached from life. I’m in desperate need of focus and willpower.
How does one achieve control of oneself and their emotions. I find my self getting annoyed with Samuel when he cries a lot. He is a baby and it is normal for him to cry. Why to I get short with him. What the hell is wrong with me?!
I guess I am at a major crossroads. One where I must leave behind my childish ways and become a woman. I thought having a baby would magically transform me. But it didn’t. I am still the same me. Still the same person with so much internal damage. I want to become more than I am.