Perhaps the title is an understatement. I recently started using a new brand of floss. I had a coupon for Reach Total Care Floss, not the one is normally buy but I had a coupon so I gave it a go anyway. I usually use either Plackers floss picks or Reach regular waxed floss both of which I have a love hate relationship with. The Plackers re-deposits the food particles on all your other teeth and it hurts my gums. The regular Reach floss always shreds inbetween my teeth leaving annoying strings behind. It also always cuts off the circulation in my fingers.
This new Reach floss is amazing! It doesn’t hurt my fingers while flossing. It glides smoothly between my teeth with giving me gum pain. It even fits between my tightest teeth! Needless to say I am in love. 😁
There are so many things weighing on my mind lately. So many things that I want to do yet don’t and so many things that I do yet I don’t want to do them.
For instance, I qualify for a full pell grant. I can go to college for free yet I don’t know what I want to do. I really love birth yet I feel like becoming a midwife is just too much responsibility for me. Maybe I could become a nurse. But I’m too squeamish. Or maybe a teacher. But I don’t want to deal with the public school system. Maybe an accountant. But that’s boring. I really just don’t know. And I’m not sure what I’m good at. I was a preschool teacher for 5 years. I enjoyed that. And I was a nanny for 2 years. It was fun. Other than that I have no idea. When I was a child I dreamed of becoming an opera singer. When I was in high school I dreamed of becoming a karate instructor. And when I was 19 I dreamed of becoming a ESL teacher. Now that I’ve had a baby. I’ve become obsessed with birth and breastfeeding. But I do t know where to start if I went that route.
As for the things that I do but I don’t want to do. I play video games. Yet I don’t want to. It’s such a waste of time. I pay way too much attention to my phone and social media. I watch too much tv. I secretly eat ice cream even though. I know I need to just throw it out.
I feel like I have no self control. And I hate it. I dislike the way I am. Yet have no idea how to change.
I want to read my bible. Drink enough water. Stick to my diet ( not a weight loss diet a dairy free diet) brush my teeth twice a day. Keep my house spotless. Spend more time paying attention to Samuel. Tend a garden. Raise chickens. Juice regularly. Pray consistently. Stay calm during stressful situations. Have good posture. Exercise.
So many things I want to do yet I don’t do them. Sure I preach a healthy life style but why is it so hard to maintain. Why am I so lazy. Why am I so detached from life. I’m in desperate need of focus and willpower.
How does one achieve control of oneself and their emotions. I find my self getting annoyed with Samuel when he cries a lot. He is a baby and it is normal for him to cry. Why to I get short with him. What the hell is wrong with me?!
I guess I am at a major crossroads. One where I must leave behind my childish ways and become a woman. I thought having a baby would magically transform me. But it didn’t. I am still the same me. Still the same person with so much internal damage. I want to become more than I am.